The Anxiety of Expecting
I found out I was pregnant at an odd point in my life. I had just gotten married, quit my job and moved into a new house. This season of newness was a lot for me, so finding out that I was also growing a baby inside of me was a lot.
I remember being quite numb and confused at what emotion was appropriate. I was happy, but I wasn't too sure about what was coming my way. I was scared, because I didn’t think I had it in me. I was resigned because I didn't think I had much control over what was about to happen.
Around my second trimester, the reality of what was coming my way was sinking in. I could feel my daughter moving inside of me and that feeling is unlike anything else I have ever experienced in my life. She was real. I spent all of my days alone in our house and as I sat on the couch watching some TV, I would always take a look at the empty space beside me and image her lying there.
I could clearly see her wrapped up in her swaddle, softly breathing, peacefully asleep next to her mother.
Trust me to put her in that same spot I always pictured her in when I was pregnant
There were many thoughts that flooded my mind when I was pregnant. Would I be any good at this? Will I know what she wants? Will I always be there for her? Will I be able to give birth to her? Will I adjust to our new life?
Will she be everything I dreamt about?
She is about to be three now and I still don’t know what to expect. Every time I think I know what two expect from her and get comfortable, something changes. For example, she has always been very good sleeper. She first slept through the night at six months which was great but that’s not the case anymore. We sleep anxiously waiting for her deafening screams multiple times at night. I thought it was a few nightmares here and there, but it’s been months now. We have a few great nights, but most nights look like this.
It’s easy to get frustrated because we had finally gotten our sleep back since her brother has also started sleeping through the night, but it feels likes we are back to square one. Nights are filled with hush voices, disrupted sleep because you want to get to her before she wakes up her brother and sitting on her cold floor so that you can sneak out once she goes back to sleep.
My kids have taught me to never get comfortable. Once you're comfortable, a big change is definitely coming your way.
I have learnt to also stop expecting much from my kids and myself as a mother. The only safe space is the present. I do my best to be here. I try not to think about how things could be or how badly things could go either. I am just present.
My kids have surprised me in more ways than I could count. I expected my daughter to struggle when she started day care, or as we call it ‘school’. She had never been away from us WITH ABSOLUTE STRANGERS AND LOUD KIDS in her life, but she didn’t even look back when I dropped her off that first day.
I expected my son to take a bit longer than my daughter to walk. But at ten months, he is standing unsupported and taking a few steps all on his own! What sorcery is this?
I expected motherhood to fully consume me and be my whole life, but instead motherhood has given me the strength to find my space and chase my dreams.
I will ask again, what sorcery is this?
🎙️What to Expect When You Are Expecting - Baby Akinyemi Part 1
I recently published the first episode in a series I am calling ‘Baby Akinyemi’ where we will follow Tomide and Kalpa, a young couple based in Kilifi Kenya, who are about o become parents for the very first time. Oh the joy of being first time parents!
In this episode, we meet Tomide and Kalpa and go on the journey they have been on since they met, to how they are preparing themselves for the birth of their first born. They share the things they are excited about, the fears that they know they need to overcome and how they plan to navigate the first few months as parents.
We will get back in to them once their little one is earth side and get a glimpse into how they are adjusting to the 4th trimester.
Did I mention that they have a super bingeworthy YouTube channel. I have spent many many hours watching their super hilarious and insightful videos that feature their life and how they navigate their marriage, families and cultural differences.
Do check it out: Chennai to Lagos
I hope you enjoyed reading this newsletter as much as I did writing it.
If you want to be part of the podcast, let me know by filing in this quick form. If you want to talk business, the door is open, just hit me up here or at mamatalespod@gmail.com
With love and an almost hungry belly,
Sal
