Mothers are Human Too
Hey you,
If you are a subscriber, you will notice that this issue will be a little different. I recently started journaling. It's one of those things that I tend to do when I am going through big emotions, so not something I do often. This excerpt is from a day in January that never seemed to never end.
I found myself battling with a lot of questions and emotions and sadly, the question of whether I was cut out to be a mother.
Jan 10th, 2023
Is it possible to super love a song on Spotify. All I want to do right now is listen to the smooth voices and moving melodies from Jacob Banks and Grace Carter. Blame is a song I listen to like a bazillion times every time plays from my queue.
I think it is because of how it makes me feel.
It feels as chilling and exhilarating as going down a fast elevator. You know how your gut just drops to the ground as you plummet to the ground? Okay, maybe not plummet-that’s a bit dramatic, but you get what I mean.
That’s how I feel when I listen to this song…but in a good way.
I needed this song today. It’s been a tough day. Moments like theses, when it feels like I am getting out of that sad, depressive bubble make me question if I am meant to be a mum.
You see, this day didn’t start out great.
I woke up in my daughter’s bed. It was 6:30 am. I was meant to be up at 6. I was also meant to be waking up in MY bed, not hers. Over the last couple of months, my daughter has been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. Like SCREAMING and calling out for her father. This usually sets off a chain reaction. I tend to hear her first, nudge her dad to get on with it to try and get her quiet before she wakes up her little brother who recently just started sleeping through the night.
We had just gotten our full night’s sleep back, but she was working hard to take it away.
Her father would go to her room to try to calm her down, but most times end up coming to our bed with her. Ninety percent of the time, the brother will wake up and I will have to go to his room to help him get back to sleep. Sometimes it’s easy, and he is back down in ten minutes, but last night took an hour. Once I was done, I thought it would be best to just sleep in her bed and avoid our cramped bed.
It’s a big bed, but a toddler always finds ways of making it very tiny.
So 6:30 am, I woke up groggy, tired and mad. She came to me smiling, but I did not care for it.
A session at the gym helped cheer me up and I got back home, took a good long shower, washed my hair and prepared myself to tackle the day. My daughter on the other hand had other ideas. There is clingy, and then there is her type of clingy. Thing is, I do not like physical touch. I like my bubble, I like my personal space. I want to keep my personal space and I didn't want to share it today.
It’s like she senses these moments, calls out for them because that’s when she gives me the most grief. Or maybe this is how she is but I only notice it more on days like today. I could be the problem. Either way I was MAD, AGITATED, ANGRY, and most importantly HUNGRY.
Food plays a big role in how I feel. I don’t do well without food. Hunger is not something I am comfortable with, even tiny hunger if there is such a thing. I had bowl of oatmeal that I wanted to eat at my desk before I got into work. She took it from me, played with it, poured a good chunk of it under my desk and moved on. I looked at it in disgust. I was hungry but out of defiance, I wasn’t going to eat it. I looked at her, and I made the choice not to engage her. She smiled at me, I didn’t smile back and I wasn’t planning to.
What followed was series of breakdowns and tantrums, with everyone in the house trying to figure it out and offer her support while she called out for the one person who wanted nothing to do with her…me.
I know that she is a baby and is definitely struggling with her emotions, but I was also struggling with mine. Her father tried, but at some point he had to leave and close the office door for a meeting. She started crying and I had to carry her out. I sat outside with her as she SCREAMT her lungs out. I did nothing, I couldn’t do anything. I barely held my composure.
I WAS DONE!
I closed my eyes and held her as she cried. A young neighbour boy came to see what was happening. That got her quiet for sometime, but once he left she continued.
Eventually she calmed down and started playing with me, wanting to hold my hand, wanting to climb on top of me, laughing with me. She moved on, but I hadn’t. I couldn’t smile back, I couldn’t make eye contact. I wouldn’t let her touch me. I told her NO
Was I a horrible mother? Should I always be the bigger, better person? Do my emotions matter?
I think she noticed that I wasn’t too bothered with her and I found something to distract her with. I brought her bike indoors and let her push it around. She tried to ask me to do it with her, but I politely declined. I was a mess, and I needed to fix that first.
So I ate, packed my work bag, and left the house.
I am writing this feeling much much better, far from home (well more like 15 mins away) with Jacob Banks and Grace Carter doing their thing to my ears.
She is a baby, yes. But I am human too. Today was not great, but tomorrow may be better.
Who knows.
From the podcast: 🎙️Not Every Woman Is Meant To Be A Mother
There is nothing that scares people as much as a woman saying that she has no interest in being a mother. Why? Isn’t motherhood a choice? Growing up, we are nudged towards being mothers. You get a baby doll to take care of, you get siblings to watch, they scare you with pregnancy when you are a teenager because that is apparently the ONLY consequence of unprotected sex and when you bloom into woman, your told that your hips are ready to carry a pregnancy.
What happens when you go off script and choose not to have kids? Well people share their many opinions with you.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine who doesn’t want to have kids. A decision that scares her but one she is comfortable with. We also talked about people who regret the choice of being parents, something that a lot have shared on this reddit thread. I really understand what these parents could be feeling. Being a parent is hard work and the reality of it can pin you down, overwhelm you and have you questioning your decision
Mother’s Day is coming…
I became a mother in May, just two days after Mother’s day. I have always celebrated mother’s day from my perceptive as a mother but this year round, I will be doing it as a daughter. For the very first time in on the podcast, I will have my mother on the podcast where I will really get to know her through a journaling exercise I found from a book that I am obsessed with.
This exercise is giving me a bit of anxiety because I don’t know what we will uncover. My mum had me at 26 and I know her life and the life she provided for us couldn’t be any more different. She has made choices in her life that I struggle to understand and if I am being honest, most of our conversations are small talk. Any deep conversations are fuelled by emotions that are not always happy or great.
I don’t think I have ever been intentional about the relationship I have with my mother and this book will help me figure out how.
Look out for that Mother’s Day Special coming out on May 16th.
I have a very special announcement about this book, so keep your ears on the ground, eyes peeled or whatever else people say. Make sure to follow me on Instagram so that you do not miss it!
I hope you enjoyed reading this newsletter as much as I did writing it. If you have anything special organised for Mother’s day and would love a shout out, just met me know here or on Instagram.
If you want to be part of the podcast, let me know by filing in this quick form. If you want to talk business, the door is open, just hit me up here or at mamatalespod@gmail.com
With love,
Sal
