What mistakes will we make?
One of the questions I asked my mother during an episode recording was what she wished she did differently as a parent. Did she have any regrets? I have to be honest, I didn't know what to expect. In fact, I thought she would stumble on this question, or at least hesitate and pause.
She did not.
She answered immediately. It’s like she was ready for this question. Maybe it was something she had been thinking about when she isn’t working. One thing that I noticed with her answer is that she seemed to have owned up to them. She wasn’t defensive and she definitely was not in denial. She had accepted her role in everything and that made her comfortable talking about it.
As I took in this answer, I couldn’t help but think about my own parenting journey.
Thirty years from now, how would I answer this?
PS: I you want to listen to my mum’s answer, just watch this little clip I made of it
Upcoming event poster. Just noticed that I didn’t add the venue here 💀
I am hosting an event soon, and in that space, we will trying to answer this question. Many months ago, I was on my DM connecting with a mum and we talked about some of the childhood trauma that we carry and how we are intentionally trying to fix this as we raise our kids. When we ended that conversation, she said something that I was not ready to hear.
“I wonder what trauma we will pass on to our kids, because for sure we will”
Will I?
I won’t lie. I thought that if I check all the right boxes, become the parent that I would have wanted for myself, read all the books then my kids will grow up perfectly and be trauma free. No complaints, just super empowered to tackle the world ahead of them.
Her statement threw me off.
It left we wondering if I was simply naive, ignorant or full of toxic positivity (yes, that’s a thing)
So, as uncomfortable as the thought of me not being a perfect parent is, I have to sit down and think about my potential pitfalls. At what point will my kids decide that I could have done better?
One thing that I was not prepared for as a parent is the sheer amount of choices that I have to make for my kids. This nightmare starts way before they come here. When should I conceive? How will I handle pregnancy? How will I give birth? Can I afford to take maternity leave? Breastmilk or formula? Traditional or Baby Led Weaning? When do they start school? What curriculum? Where should we live? Who will their friends be? How do they spend their time? Will we raise them religious?
I see no end in sight and my firstborn is just three. I have no idea what is ahead, but I know whatever it is will require my husband to continually make choices, some simple, others incredibly difficult and no doubt confusing.
With all this in the air, it would be naive to think that they will be happy with every single choice that I make. Some things will rub them off the wrong way. I will make them unhappy and I am sure that there will be a time where they will truly dislike me.
However, will I be able to stand and say I made these choices with all the best intentions, with as much knowledge and meticulous consideration? Will I be as accepting of any faults that come from these choices as my mother now is?
This is what this event will be about.
We will sit down and try and see how our choices could affect the lives of our kids. The outcome of this conversation will not be to make us feel bad about ourselves and promote this narrative that we have of quickly calling ourselves bad mums or bad parents.
No.
The point is for us to be aware of the choices we make. To understand why they matter to us and to be aware of any consequences they have-both good or bad.
I will not be there to give you answers. No, that’s not my job and it will never be. However, I will be there to offer a listening ear, a sounding board, a space for you to explore your thoughts, air out your worries and find the strength behind your choices.
I have no idea what the outcome of this event would be, but I know that it will be worth your time.
I know that this can look like an event catered just for mums, given that I am one and the podcast is literally full of stories from mums but, fathers a really encouraged to come to!
Come join me on 17th of June at Baraza Media Lab, 2nd Floor Keystone Park to unpack this.
Everyone will leave with an exclusive, one of a kind hand painted succulent by yours truly! Not sure how the paint job will turn out but a lot of love and care will definitely be poured into it.
See you then!
On this note, I am currently doing a series on my Instagram giving a lot of context about this event. Everything from why I am doing it, what excites me about it, what fears I have and how I am planning it.
Follow me today to get access to these videos as well as any updates about this event. There might be some good news coming your way
🎙️Episode Highlight: A Mother and Daughter Part 2
For Mother's Day this year, I decided to feature someone very special, my mother.
I have an interesting relationship with my mother. We talk almost every day, we have little secrets between us but one thing I always say is that we are different.
I probably say this because I do not really know her. All I know about her life is the little she has shared with me over the years. I know she had a tough upbringing, with no relationship with her parents. I know losing my father eight years ago has made her make many decisions, some of which I struggle a lot with.
This episode is the second in an exercise I am going through to get to really know her. It is inspired by a book I came across a couple of weeks back that has questions on topics that span the life of your mother, and it allows you to sit down with her and get to write down her story.
In it, she talks about the any similarities we could have shared as kids, moments I made her proud and those I disappointed her. She also shares about the tough times in her motherhood journey and the things she could have done differently.
I am going to sign off here, feeling very glad to be back to writing this. It’s been a minute and I had forgotten the joy that I get every time I pen this newsletter.
So incase I do not say it enough, thank you for taking the time to read, to laugh, to relate or to reply.
It means more to me than you can ever imagine.
Till next time,
bye
