It's time to ditch 'mum guilt'
Let’s start by reading this definition that I pulled from the internet
“Mum guilt - name given to the feelings of guilt women experience in relation to their kids. New mothers are particularly susceptible to mum guilt. They constantly worry about making mistakes and try to get everything right. Mum guilt comes from an unrealistic ideal of a perfect mom”
I want you to pay attention to one word in the last sentence - UNREALISTIC
Mum guilt has been the bane of my existence as a mum. No matter how many times people said that I was a great mum. I always thought they were insane.
Why?
I had unrealistic ideals. Nothing I did with my daughter seemed good enough. I was very quick to label myself as a bad mum and never really entertained the thought that I was actually good.
Notice how I use past tense. I haven’t found the cure of mum guilt, it still finds a way to creep in…but I do not allow it to pull me down anymore. In the next few minutes, I want to let you into my world and show you how I have learnt to quiet down this little devil through a one question.
Can I truly be perfect?
Easy answer here is no. We all know that we are not perfect, no matter how much we try to be.
Perfection is an illusion. I would like to leave this to engineers working on inanimate things but even those things aren’t always perfect. They constantly need to be upgrades, maintained or fixed. Why would I then hold myself to this seemingly unattainable standard that nothing can maintain?
What does a perfect mum even look like?
Maybe a perfect mum has a quick conception followed by an always glowing pregnancy. Her baby comes right at their due date and she literally sneezes that baby out. No tears, no scars. In fact, she probably has a full face make up and perfect hair.
Breastfeeding comes naturally to her and the baby latches immediately, sleeps when asked, barely cries, hits their milestones before time. She is alway available, always happy. Her breasts still look normal, tummy went back down to where it was before birth in a matter of weeks and to top it all off, she grew wider hips and retained all the hair she grew during your pregnancy.
Her sex drive is on high, her relationship is perfect and her home is always clean , no laundry pile ups. She even has pets that she takes care of and they are great!
Tantrums? Nah, not in this house and if they come she knows exactly what to do. Motherhood hasn't affected her career in any way. She still show up when she needs to, puts in extra hours and is on track for a big promotion.
Nothing, absolutely nothing slips by her. She is perfect
I don’t know about you, but this sounds extremely exhausting and very UNREALISTIC!
This can’t happen. Something has to give.
“All that could of wrong, will go wrong.”
I think we should stop focusing on things that we aren’t getting right and instead celebrate the things that are working. Breastfeeding is kicking your arse, and you have to use formula. Your baby is fed and is growing - that’s a win.
You missed bedtime because you got caught up at work. Your deadlines are met and you have more time to spend with them on Saturday.
You know what's hilarious, you are probably feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you.
Say your child is struggling in school. You can immediately feel guilty for not being able to help them with the transition. Maybe -you think, they needed more time at home and it was selfish of you to take enrol them to school or day care too soon. If you had cared to look closely, you will realise that they are only struggling on days a when a specific kid comes to class who cries quite a lot and makes everyone, including your child uncomfortable. Your child probably doesn't look forward to that, hence their hesitation. There is nothing you can do about that situation
Other questions I as myself:
Have I done my best?- most of the time, I truly have
Am I taking care of myself? - we tend to put ourselves last, but who will take care of us? Taking care of your needs is not selfish. You cannot show up fully if you are missing something within you
Is it going to last forever? - Maybe I very busy this week. So busy that I can’t string a good number of hours with my kids, but maybe not all weeks will be as busy at this one. The kids will miss you, but they will be fine and will be ready for you when you can be fully present for them
We are allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, clueless- we are human, and humans are notoriously not perfect.
We were never designed to be
Episode Highlight: Finding the courage to do things for myself
Navigating transition is always tough and for Nyachomba, big transitions have always happened around her pregnancies. In five years , she has become a mum of three, lived in three different countries and has had to find her purpose in a new career.
Check out her work at nyachomba.com
She also recently shared her birth story and all I have to say is that the Netherlands sounds like a really great place to give birth in! Read it here: Noah's Birth Story
I have so much lined up for this year. I truly hope not to trip on myself trying to do them all and end up doing nothing (this happens a lot) All this to say, thank you for your support and your feedback.
Love
Sally
